if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
