just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
