babies were throwing up all over the place
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Too much gin, very little bucket
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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