what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
