how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
