mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
