just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
