My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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