I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
