I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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