We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
