Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
