just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
