i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
