I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize