I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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