dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
