every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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