I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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