She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
