we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
MIDGETS
????
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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