dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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