well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize