I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
