I think I am morally bankrupt
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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