I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
