Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
