You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
