The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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