Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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