highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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