She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
