Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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