she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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