I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize