come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
