Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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