you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Your penis caused this!
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