God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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