its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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