there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
