Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
