Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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