FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We have started to decorate penises.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
