At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
