guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
