im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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