I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What a dumb baby whore.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
