He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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