so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
