so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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