Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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