i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
