She is in my trunk
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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