my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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