Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
