I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
