shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
