after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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