thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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